(Written: Wednesday, May 21 2003)
I woke up this morning and it was raining. Not pouring, just drizzling. But somehow that seemed fitting.
I loved the finale. I really did. The scenes that may have bugged me a bit at first, I'm now viewing as more and more appropriate.
I should also mention that I haven't stopped crying. As much as it hurts me, I just keep hitting replay on my computer or VCR and watching the episode, especially the final segment, over and over again.
I couldn't sleep last night. I got maybe 3 hours off and on. There's this rock in my throat that won't let me breathe right. Every now and then I catch myself and say, "It's only a TV show." But I just realized something.
That's a load of crap.
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" wasn't a TV show. It was a vision. A dream of what could be, of what is. Jane Espenson once said that the appeal of BtVS is that "inside we're all superheroes and no one knows it". Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles... The core four. They were... they *are* idols. Through better and through, more often than not, worse, they remained a fixture. A portrayal of what the human spirit can accomplish.
It's no secret that the show itself is a metaphor for life. We don't send our boyfriends to Hell, but sometimes breaking up feels that way. I never blew up my high school, but it did feel like a war was fought there... and I won. Struggling with old and new friendships... growth and change. On AtS this year it was said that "love is sacrifice". No truer words have been spoken. When traumatic events have turned best friends against each other... the world, your world, is being destroyed.
Finding out who you are, who you've been, and who you strive to be... being comfortable, confident, and proud of your place on this insane planet is the most difficult thing of all. That's what this year was about.
Season 6 tore the group apart. Xander lost the first women to ever make him feel like a man. Willow lost her sole-mate - her very heart, and her control. Giles lost his role. Anya lost her humanity.... literally. Dawn lost her self in the transition of adolescence. Buffy lost her will to enjoy life. And Spike lost everything, only to realize that he never really had anything and finally made a decision to change that.
The recovery was difficult. Slow, depressing, painful, at times - poignant, momentarily inappropriate, and every now and then unrealistic... but that's life. There is no logic ruling our existence. There are no laws where the heart is concerned. Friendship, family, and love... there is no rule book. We make it up as we go and pray to God(dess) that we don't screw up too badly. To us, screwing up seems like a matter of life and death. On Buffy, it really is.
Season 7 saw Xander realize that he *is* a man, and an amazing one at that. Willow found the strength to control her amazing power. Giles reintegrated himself as the guardian... only this time, not of children, but capable adults. Anya finally accepted her humanity and more importantly, herself. Dawn matured into an extraordinary women. Buffy, after seven years, found a balance to her role as a Slayer, a leader, a sister, and a friend. Spike finally got everything. He gained his soul, and with it respect, trust, love, remarkable heroism and one Hell of end.
I'm not going to comment on everything. Not all the hilarious moments (and there were many) but rather the dramatic ones. The events that keep running through my head, and the scenes that, to me, are priceless.
I'm going to say this once, and only once... otherwise it will need to be repeated in every discussed-scene. The acting was superb. SMG, JM, AH, NB, ASH, EC, MT... all of them. Even the potentials. Wow. A special note to SMG who spoke with her eyes more than anything. It was beautiful and touching to watch.
I'm am soooo glad that Joss didn't drag out the "triangle". I was happy to see the explanations given right at the beginning of the episode. But needless to say, both Angel's and Spike's reactions were great. And the hand-drawn picture on the dummy... beyond classic.
Months ago, it seems like forever, Buffy told Spike that she believed in him. In "Chosen" she proved it by giving him the amulet. Through Buffy's faith, Spike saw what he could be. Xander and Anya were absolutely adorable. In the first segment I had completely forgot about all that they had been through and saw them for what they always had been and still were - Totally, and completely in love with each other.
Buffy's speech was different this time. The reason why I found this one inspirational and heartfelt... was because she wasn't a general. She was a young girl, in an incomprehensible situation... just like all the potentials, and for the first time in a long time, that strength in the face of ominous vulnerability really came across.
Buffy coming down the stairs, as her and Spike face each other... Until Joss Whedon fesses up in an interview, if he does, we'll never know what happened that night. Personally... I'm not sure I want to. Those two had been through so much. Six apocalypses, chips, death, Heaven, lust, betrayal, souls, insanity, trust, friendship, and, dare I say it, love. That night was something private, something for them alone. I kinda like it that way.
A moment for Joss Whedon. The man is a genius. I don't care what other people think or say, I'm in awe. The cinematography on the High School and the Army... the angles, the direction... It silently added so much.
I thought the battle pairings were fitting. Spike and Faith - the warriors. Xander and Dawn - simply put: family. Anya and Andrew - the outsiders- the incredibly brave, purely human, outsiders. Giles and Wood - the guides, the watchers, the teachers. This show has always made my heart momentarily stop on account of the perfect thing said at the perfect time. Joss and co. know exactly how to put feelings into words... and when silence suits best. Dawn's finale words to Buffy before the battle: "No. Anything you say is going to sound like goodbye..." was a shining example of this. There was no heartfelt speech or drawn-out proclamation... they had been through this before. They both knew how much they loved one another... words weren't necessary.
Then Buffy as she turns and joins the stragglers... the Core Four. The parallel on the end of The Harvest was incredibly moving for me. It was quick, humorous, offbeat, and frivolous... and that was just right. Amidst all that's happened we sometimes forget that Buffy started as a ditz, Xander a goof, Willow a nerd, and Giles a stuffy librarian. They've come so far... but some things don't change. Some things shouldn't change.
The three best friends walk down the High School hall way. It's
a scene we've witnessed so many times before.... but never quite like this.
It was a small and all too perfect touch to have them leave each other the opposite
way we met them... like counting down.
We met Buffy. Then Xander. Then Willow. Then Giles. Giles turns away. Willow
steps aside. Xander shares a look. And Buffy walks alone. These three have always
been there for one another. Similar to Dawn, there was no grand gesture of love.
This was just another day... Saving the world? That's what they do. In spite
of the recent events, they knew what each other felt. That kind of closeness...
that eternal bond of friendship... that's what we all wish we had, and cherish
if we do.
Again - a toast to Joss. Willow's spell was just plain cool. "Oh. My. Goddess." The flashback, a la Showtime, and the girls around the world. I was especially fond of the girl at bat... she had that look in her eye that reminded me of Buffy years ago... like, "You wanna try me? I'm ready."
All the potentials are now Slayers. I like the idea. I really do. But at the same time I don't. There was always something endearing about the fact that Slayers suffer alone. Alone - like we all feel. Thrown into an epic war that spans history. So strong and so powerful, yet so small and frail at the same time. And now that there's countless more empowered young women out there... I find myself quoting Xander, "But the more people who know the secret, the more it cheapens it for the rest of us..." However, at the same time, it was fitting to have the power open to all who remotely deserve it. Buffy changed the rules. She's saved the world countless times, but this time she really *changed* it. It was a beautiful message. That we're all chosen, that we're all strong.
I thought the battle was also very symbolic. A favorite quote of mine is, "Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye... and deny it." These girls were facing the impossible... Something parallel to the overbearing weight of adulthood, society, and the world as a whole. They saw that army rising up to beat them down and the collectively announced, "I dare you to try." No matter how overwhelmed they got, they just kept fighting... they didn't surrender, they refused to give up. That's an incredible inspiration to all of us who have felt like the world was suffocating us and there was no hope... Keep fighting.
And what a fight it was. Purely amazing. Vi was particularly entertaining. "These guys are dust..." She just kicked ass... and it was great to see. Kennedy too... I have fluctuated on her character but I loved her in this episode. On a whole, the special effects, carefully placed slow-mo, fighting choreography and the score. I found myself wanting to jump up and cheer in my seat. Label me a dork - whatever. It goes down with the Becoming sword-fight, Buffy/Faith showdown, Graduation Day massacre, Primeval spell, the spectacular kicking of Glory's ass, and Buffy/Willow face-off. Some stuff is just FUN to watch.
Anya's death. Anya was always blunt. Always straightforward. So was her death. In "End of Days" she admitted that she loved humans... that for all that's horrible in the world, the human spirit and determination make up for it. She exemplified that spirit in "Chosen". She died saving Andrew's life, and, as futile as she may have seen it, in an attempt to save this crazy world. For someone who spent a thousand years as a demon, she was incredibly human...
Buffy vs. Buffy. Or more accurately The First vs. Buffy. "I want you to GET OUT OF MY FACE!" And the ensuing slowmo rise with that intense look of determination... Any vid I make with scenes from Chosen? That's in there. Guaranteed. Hell, any vid period. I'll find a way to get that in. Absolutely beautiful.
Another praise for the score. Oh my God, the score. Robert Duncan astounded me. I have loved the score all season... but he really outdid himself for the finale. I just pray to God that ME, and Duncan are smart enough to sell a CD... Okay, I'm begging them to. Please. Pretty please.
Spike's death was unbelievably perfect. It wasn't until later that I realized that light shining down on him was indeed sunlight. I'm slow like that... but really I think it was because there was so much more to focus on. The light shooting out of him was a great subtle turn-around on his soul shining into him last year. He was by Buffy's side, till the end. Just like he always promised he would be. But for the first time, she was by his. Buffy taking Spike's hand and the consuming flames... I can't express how poignant that seems to me. Someone reminded me Tuesday that Spike had once said that "Love is passion. It burns and consumes..." Their interlocked hands burning, without either of them caring... wasn't consuming. It was eternal. The way that Buffy says, "I love you..." in a small and somewhat desperate tone... Spike's acknowledgement and acceptance... or lack there of. Did she mean it? I have no idea. Another question for the Joss man. But, I choose to believe that Buffy did mean it and does love Spike... In a way that only those two characters could ever understand. And I'd love to think that Spike knew that too. Morgain's explanation (C&S poster) suits it best... Buffy loves Spike, but not the way Spike loves her. Perhaps because she's still "baking", perhaps because he just loves her more than she ever could... He knows this, he accepts it. Spike sacrifices himself victory and for *love*. There is a line in the Chosen script that was cut from the aired episode. Right before he tells Buffy to leave for the last time he was scripted as saying, "That's your world up there." In Season 6 Spike tried to bring Buffy into "his world" the "darkness". In "Chosen" he truly realized that she didn't belong there. That in a way she was unattainable to him... In a way, Spike gave Buffy the world. A chance to be happy in the light, to finally live. Spike perished consumed by fire. A force inside of him that burned him inside out... I'd like to think that force was love (cue sappy music). And he died laughing... cause how completely perfect was that? In Becoming Spike joined Buffy's side for the first time, because he "...wanted to save the world". He finally did. As a hero.
Buffy jumps down from the bus and looks in front of her to see wide open road. Full of possibility, with nothing to stop her. And behind to see all that ever was, as we have known it, gone. Can I use the term "perfect" again?
There's also something poetic in the fact that the last line, the last word, spoken by Buffy in the series is "Spike." The look on her face as she tells Giles who saved the world... It was almost pride. All season she claimed that Spike had changed, that he was becoming a "better man", and he proved it. She knew what he could be and he finally knew it too.
Xander and Andrew. Andrew was shockingly affecting... "Why am I alive?" That's a question many survivors ask. And there is no real answer... except to testify to the events he's witnessed. To pass on the legacy, the courage of that fateful day. Xander's "That's my girl..." hit me like a brick wall. Xander has always been our tie to normalcy. He didn't break down and cry... he wouldn't. Anya died for what they believed in... She finally found a reason to fight. That's not something to sulk over... only to praise her for.
The Cleveland Hellmouth. I liked the idea of another town, another gang, fighting back another Hellmouth... almost like Joss is telling us, "Ha! You thought it's over? It's never over..."
Buffy and Dawn stand side by side. Both motionless and staring at what was their home. As the scoobies form around them I'm struck by the unspoken bond and similarity between these two. They've always "looked" sisterly... but they really always acted like it too. In Shakespeare the last person to have the line in a play succeeds the protagonist. Dawn's last words, not coincidentally similar to those from "Once More, With Feeling"... "Yea, Buffy, what ARE we going to do now?" Dawn has grown on me enormously. Give Michelle a spinoff. I'm there.
Buffy's not normal. I was never a fan of the idea that she lose her Slayer powers. I think the "Chosen" ending is much more satisfying. I don't believe that she will ever turn her back on being a Slayer. Like Kendra said five years ago, "It's part of who you are." But I do think that now, finally, Buffy has the chance to live in the real world. To really balance duty and choice. And Joss forbid... be happy. She's earned it.
As the camera pushes in to the slowly emerging smile, the first real smile on Buffy's face in such a long time, as she tries to answer that question... I can't help but be reminded of another finale and those ever-echoing words, "We saved the world... I say we party."
"There are no happy endings because nothing ever ends." There is no fitting ending for this band of heroes. There is no one scene that would leave us feeling complete. And that's the way it should be. Joss knew that. Which is why I think the last shot *does* work... In some magical way, it acknowledges that there is no ending. Only the next story to be told.
The final note. As Joss Whedon's and Marti Noxon's name appear, the chord played is... not what you would expect. It's a little more open-ended... as if to say that the song isn't over, there's more... we just don't hear it. No matter how many times I watch the last scenes of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", her smile and that note always hit me the same way. "It can't have ended. It's just not possible." And it's not. They go on... we just have to struggle with the fact that we won't see it. We won't witness the mistakes and victories, the laughs and tears, the pain and joy.... That kills me. It *really* does. My world seems a little less colorful now. More than anything I want more. I want to finish growing with Buffy, Xander, Willow and Giles. I want to watch them deal with their problems, so I know how to deal with mine.
It's hard for me to post this. In part because I realize that it is full of sap and cheese... but really because it's an acceptance. By posting this I admit to myself that "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is over. That I will no longer see Giles clean his glasses, or Willow do a spell, or Xander make a joke, or Buffy kick some serious butt... I don't want to admit that. I don't want to move on. I don't want to let go. I can't begin to count how many times I've watched parts of, or the whole finale. But it really does feel like I just lost a very close friend.
"It's just a TV Show."
This wasn't a TV Show. A TV show cannot encompass the enormity,
the reality of this experience. The lives it's touched. The effect it's left.
It was a glimpse into the potential inside all of us... It was a demonstration
of the power of family, friendship, love...
It was a journey that continues... Because in the end, they found their beginning.
I hope we can too.